NATARASHOOM 8/13/2008

My love is pounding in my breast

Pounding for you – pounding me

From inside to out

My love is indefinable

It puzzles me

Seems to spring from nowhere

And is all-encompassing

Like it existed forever

Before human experience

Before physical practice.

My love for you is relentless

Never wavers – has always been

In present experience, it grew

From the smallest seed

To the giant tree

That spread its arms

Across the planet.

My love is full of passion

My mind cannot forget you

My body feels your absence

My arms are empty still

My eyes long to view you

My skin yearns to sense you

My heart is pounding now

Pounding from inside out

Filling space – eternity

With love that’s wrought by you.

Bright light traveling

To far reaches of space

Searching your presence

And finding that you’re me.

My light is shining arc

Glistening with colors

Joining you to me -

But there is no face there

There are no hands to touch me

My human bond is gone

And life is energy again

Your eyes never looked on me

Your hair never fell on me

My skin never savored your touch

My life was spent apart from you.

The human life is odd

The yearning never ends

The lonesome pounding is all

The hands, arms, legs

They’re like someone else’s project.

But my heart is mine

My heart knows it’s not human

My heart knows it’s more

My mind cannot fathom

What my heart knows for sure.

And out in space, you’re present

And I participate

Like you, I am engaged

How strange life seems to me!

Like a huge, mad game

We’re in outer space

And I’m merely hoping

To some day know I’m there.

What does this pounding mean?

Tell me what you know.

Why does this longing settle here?

Why is it all I crave?

Words are not enough

They only reach the border

They do not enter space

Where in my dreams I’ve felt you

And after death I fell

My love is pounding still.

June 11, 2010

I ran berserk through spring fields.

Surrounded by flowers and soft breezes

Inside me, my heart was black.

I crashed through young trees and bushes

Laid down amongst the grasses there

And cried to the clouds moving over,

Father! Oh, Father! My Father!

I felt natural silence there

And I breathed.

Krsna swayed his branches

As small trees, above me.

He landed on my skin

As a mosquito, and pricked me.

The soft breeze came down

And whispered to me:

There’s nothing wrong.

Look at these trees and grasses

Everything is neutral here

There’s no good or bad here.

And I saw that the blackness was

Just my perspective.

There’s no good or bad anywhere.

I pondered that thought

And melted into the windy glen.

I dried my eyes

Put my feet underneath me

Stood, and breathed the sunlit air

And I ran on, the earth

Yielding supplely to my feet.

Purple Nighttime 8/1/2011

I must have unfocused my eyes.

Because when I pressed your arm

With my fingers, and pulled a bit,

I was pulled much farther.

My fingers on your arm became eyes

And I could see the place I was pressing.

Sweet, golden flesh and dark, curly hair

And I fell into a calm, purple nighttime

With soft light and honey scent.

It felt smooth, fragrant, and wonderfully alive.

It lasted only a moment

Then my eyes refocused in the sunshine

I nodded and turned away from you

But the scene I saw still haunts me

Though time has passed since I saw you.

This is why my body desires you.

Some would say my desire is wrong

Because you belong to someone else.

But nothing in life feels better

To me than organic inspiration.

Love isn’t bound by society’s rules.

Love is blind about all things

Except Love.

An Ode to Us 5/30/2010

Here we are,

Looking up at the clear blue sky

Trying to remember

A delicious, rainbowed cloud

That we dreamed about.

Now the sun is shining, but

Then, we were in darkness, and

There was moisture in the air

A charge of electricity

Passionate lightning, shuddering thunder.

And we were carried away by the spectacle of it.

Now, in this bright sunlight,

It feels like it may have been a dream.

Like it was imagination;

Or it’s a distant memory

Long past, from a previous lifetime.

Even then, it was only true at night.

Here, there is nothing quite

As sublime as that.  Look around!

Sun is shining, birds are singing,

It’s good.  It’s not missing anything.

But we are.  We’re missing something.

The thing we long for is indefinable.

It can’t be manufactured,

For it wasn’t solely our creation.

The passion, the pleasure, the fun,

Didn’t seem fleeting at the time.

It didn’t feel like so much

Nebulous cloud sweeping over us.

It felt substantial, a construct

able to support us.

But the illusion of solidity

Floated away from us,

Like a thunderstorm

rolling over the plains.

So, here we are, in the sun.

Life is moving, and we move with it;

We must.  But in our hearts,

We yearn toward the past,

As the future is unknowable.

It’s perplexing:  to yearn for a past

That feels strangely as if

It never existed.

Someone New 7/11/2011

I sat on a bench in the sun

Feeling slightly like

I’d been struck by lightning.

Before me was a man with a generous gift.

Laughter was coming from me

But I didn’t notice it.

What I noticed was my heart beating faster,

And a feeling of expansion: I became greater.

I had a vision of a bell ringing in the distance

A sliver of me raced away, following

 A long triangle, which hummed with resonance

Between me, this man, and a far away place.

Sand, dirt, and a little bell ringing;

And I knew that my life had changed.

Ode to I'll Be Suzy 8/15/2008

Here I am, and where are you?

I know where you are but

Who am I? I know who I am

But why are you not here?

You are loving me ~

You romance me with your fingers

My back relaxes and my body feels your Love

I am absent while you have your life.

Smoke rises around your head

Your brown curls are beloved by me

Your fingers are only fingers to you

To me they’re doors to ecstasy

You use your mouth to talk, to eat, to smile

I will jump inside your mouth

And live there for a while.

And when I come back out,

My curiosity satisfied

I will envelop you ~

I have a place to hide

You can rest inside my womb

It’s quiet there, and warm

There’s a rhythm you’ll enjoy,

Substance, and form

And when you come back out

You’ll know I love you, and why.

You’ve changed my attitude

Though you don’t know what you’ve done

My breathing grows deeper

Smoke and I are one

You’re everywhere I go

You exist in everything

And here I am, within you

Do you hear me when I sing?

You don’t know, but you can trust me

You don’t know I’ve got your back

One day I would you see that

My loyalty’s a fact

Who are you, I wonder,

And who were you before?

When I was teaching stonework,

Why did you just look bored?

And before I knew you then

Did you follow me around?

I saw footsteps in the earth

When I turned around.

Your smoke rises from you,

So I hover too

I am the very air you breathe

I am the seed you shoot

Thank you for romancing me

Thanks for being you

I awoke beneath your fingers

Because of what you do

And now, I drift to sleep

To find you, don’t know where

When I sail beyond the sun

Your song will lead me there.

The Kite 1/2/2011

A kite came here,

As a messenger to a little girl.

She didn’t see the message right away.

This kite made a wide circle of experience

Around the girl, for her instruction.

She loved the kite the moment she saw it.

It seemed too bright and happy for her to bear.

When she brought it home and beheld it there,

Something opened up inside her that felt like hope.

It felt so good, she almost didn’t want to let the kite fly.

But the lure of seeing it against the blue sky was strong.

So she took her kite outside to the breezes.

The kite smiled at her in the bright summer sun

And almost immediately, flew up and away,

And wrapped it’s string in a high tree

And fluttered there, in sight, but far out of reach,

Still smiling, and agonizingly beautiful.

It felt to the little girl as if it was taunting her!

She ran to her bed, and cried, and kicked.

And, in the tree is where the beautiful kite spent it’s summer.

It fluttered high above the house, looking sometimes as if

There was a child holding it’s string there.

But this kite had a calling, a destiny

To flutter instead, with it’s string being held

By a branch of a large tree.

Weeks passed, and bright sun and summer storms

Faded the colors of the beautiful kite.

One night, a wild wind blew

And the branch that held the little kite

Broke, and they both dropped to the ground.

The kite was whipped by the wild wind,

But it held on to it’s branch,

Unwilling to leave the little girl.

An angel had been watching this drama.

This servant of God picked up the kite

And carried it to a safe place in the forest.

Living in the natural world and flying with every breeze,

The kite had become wild,

And had forgotten how to live with little girls.

The angel reminded it to smile and laugh again

And to be jovial, and encouraging.

After a few days had passed, the angel returned with the kite

And placed it by the path where the girl would sometimes walk,

Far from her house, but safe from the wind.

Only her dogs saw it, at first.  There, the kite waited,
Yearning helplessly toward each distant breeze.

Then, one day, right before Christmas,

The girl’s bratty little brother,

Who she blamed for the loss of the kite,

Came in from playing,

Holding the friendly little kite toward her.

She screamed, and ripped it from his fingers

Hugged it against her chest,

Lamented the loss of it’s bright colors.

The kite felt her affection, and stirred to it, but was silent.

As she carried it into her warm, snug bedroom,

Cooing to it, she perceived the sweet smile

That the angel had reminded the kite to show.

In fact, the kite was contented to offer the smile,

And to be still and quiet in her warm room

Because it’s mission with her was ended.

The girl would never forget her experience with the kite,

Or it’s patient guidance in her youth.

She displayed the kite on her wall and kept it there,

Where she could always see it’s wise and weathered smile.

And the kite never fluttered in the wind again.

You Don't Know 1/28/2012

You don’t know

How much I’ve loved you

How I’ve yearned for you

And held the thought of you

How many times

I’ve hugged my pillow through the night

Wishing it was you

Wishing I could share my life with you

Wishing it was me you loved

Knowing my love was dissipating

Wasting me away in loneliness

Sorrow and love going hand in hand.

You don’t know

How much I wanted my pillow to be

Flesh and bone and energy of you.

How my love flowed to a dream

To dissipate like smoke

How my hands searched my empty bed

When in my dreams I felt your presence

How my dreams filled my mind

But my body ached with emptiness.

You don’t know

How it hurt me when you told me

You weren’t mine

When my presence

Wasn’t desired by you

Every time I saw you

I felt the dagger of my love

Pierce my heart

Spending my life’s blood

In the knowledge that I’d never have you.

You don’t know

That I returned to my empty bed

Crying over you

Knowing your focus was moving on

And I was alone

Haunted by your energy with me

And the thought of how close you’d been

Remembering a moment when I felt

My natural love flowing to you

And meeting it’s mark.

Occasionally I even felt

Your love flowing to me, too

For a moment, before

I turned and left you

My heart splitting

Wanting to stay

My mind knowing

This is all there is for me

A moment – that is over now.

You don’t know

How my empty bed is filled with love for you

How every night I long to dream of you

How day by day – year by year

My life force slips away

While I pine for you.

Or do you?

Ode to the Moon 8/11/2011

Tonight I asked the moon

What it had to say.

It smiled and told me, make some room,

To sit and hear my lay.

My legs stretched out, I soaked it in

It’s distant silence stated,

I’m that moon that you saw before,

But over far distant places.

Be with me when e’er you can

Because my magic lingers,

If into the day and to night again

My face in your thoughts figures.

My cheery brightness is what you now see,

But it’s my far side you yearn for.

In the stillness behind my face you perceive

Your life’s mysteries, and much more.

There’s no rushing what you need,

There’s no action you can take.

From you, to me, new ideas will lead,

But it’s an inner journey you’ll make.

Woke Up with No Grid 7/30/2011

I had my parameters all laid out. I had my little “place” here, fenced and labeled within the grid – the construct of life – just like everybody. We all had our little claims staked out, the territories we all defined ourselves by.  But while we were busy, or during the night, the grid started to fall away, and now we’re all waking up and discovering that there’s actually nothing “holding us up” here.  We’ve been suspending ourselves all along, and the grid was an illusion.  In fact, we can expand and move in any direction we decide to, and our creativity and ability to dream and imagine are really the only things that matter. And gradually, we sense a potential to love everyone – to love everything we encounter, realizing that they are our own face in the mirror. One by one, we all start to notice this enhanced capacity to love, which swells into desire to love more - desire to experience, desire to expand into all other beings, in all ways.  Some pressure comes up – for me, anyway – as I hover here, realizing that experience is infinite and my future is solely dependent on what I create for myself, in this moment, now.  My tendency is to sit still and get my bearings.  I say, “I’m gonna just stay right here for a while, and ponder how to jump into action again.”  But that’s wishful thinking.  It’s more like the flow of life has got me, and I’m going, creatively or not.

This is Me 7/23/2009

I'm all Alone

I was thinking about him. 

I just woke up from a dream.

He was here - he was looking at me

I was talking to him

He was desiring me

And then he'd take me - 

I got stuck there

Staring out the window

My mind obsessing on my body

Which was feeling the presence of him

Because of an idea.

And then I woke up - 

And this place where he'd been sitting

Was empty - just air there

And I looked around the room

Feeling alone and a little ashamed

Thinking, I let my imagination go.

It took me to a happy place

It knows how to make me feel good

And I let it.

Is that okay?

Can I admit to you I did that?

It just came out on the page.

Revealing a thing like that is scary

Prob'ly everybody does it

But nobody is talking about it.

So everybody is embarrassed by it

But why?  Everybody's doing it.

But nobody is talking about it.

We are taught to hold back

Why, I wonder?  It hurts.

It grieves me.

Maybe it's because I feel restrained, 

That I have a desire - a driving, relentless need

To express the real Me.

Me!  Me!  Like a big raven in a tree

Yelling, Caw!  Caw!  Caw!  Caw!

At the top of his lungs.  

This is Me!  Here I Am! I'm exuberant!!

Oh yeah, to whoop and holler!

Oh, I wish I was that raven.

Which is why I'm here, I suppose

Though my hand gets tired of writing

It goes - and goes - and goes.

Cause I'm driven to yell to the world,

This is Me!  This is Me!  I am here!

But I'm too suppressed to yell

From the top of a tree.

Here I Am.  This is Me!